I’m selfish…
Yep, completely, utterly filled up with it. I didn’t realize to the extent that it consumed me until little hands started getting into my stuff. First, they were just on my furniture. Then they were in my refrigerator. And then they started asking for my nail polish, my make-up my flat iron. And then it went to my shoes and then…yep, you guessed it, these children who don’t drink soda- have started asking for my Cokes! Sips of my Saturday morning McDonald’s Cokes! And I don’t want to give it to them. I look at them, as if to say, “You have officially lost your mind, I’ll share my toothbrush before you can have a drink of this Coke!”
God is so exceptionally sneaky. In bringing you into a world that you think is going to bring all this addition to your life you are immediately taken into the world of stripping…and I am being fundamentally stripped of self.
The greatest surprise is how much of self is all up in there. I had no idea. Serious, I know the Bible talks about it, but I had foolishly deluded myself because I would clean out my closet virtually once a year and give clothes away, that I was a very giving person. That is until little people crawled all up into my stuff.
And God wasn’t far behind.
Philly will say often, “Babe, you’re so sweet and patient and giving.”
And my response is, “You don’t know what went through my head before I got there.”
My first response is always human. “Get out of my drawers!”
“There is no way in the world you are putting those shoes on your dirty feet!”
“You touch my garlic and parmesian popcorn salt and things are going to start flying around here.”
“You use my towel and you’re doing the laundry.”
“You touch my Coke well, pray the good Lord makes you invisible, because I will find you and it won’t be pretty.”
And then I come back to the next thought…Usually the place I choose to land.
“Go ahead and use my fingernail polish. The way I’m couponing I’ll have three new ones that CVS paid me to take from them in a month!”
“Those shoes get worn approximately five times a year. If you want to wear them that’s what they were bought for.”
“You eat my garlic and parmesian salt and then daddy won’t know whose breath smells so bad.”
“You use my towel and I’ll just put it in the dirty clothes and get another one.”
“You touch my Coke and well…well…okay, I’m trying here…well, we’ll just go get another one. Or next time I’ll just bring you one of your own so I can keep you out of mine…”
Because each one of these is a reminder that this time last year I decorated my tree by myself, without five little elves to help. This time last year there was no one around who wanted me to make them the oreo balls that their best friend’s mom makes.
And this time last year I wasn’t a wife experiencing the love of an extraordinary man.
Selfishness isn’t going to go away. It is a product of my flesh. The goal is to not land there. It’s the landing part where most crashes happen anyway….at least that’s what they say about airplanes…I’m assuming it’s also true about people…